Tag Archives: Christianity

What little I know about reincarnation

Posted on by myownashram

Reincarnation is a standard concept in Hinduism and pretty common in the wider Pagan world, but I have long been agnostic about it. As a kid it didn’t make much sense to me, but then, neither did the ideas of heaven and hell.

The afterlife was a giant unknown – no one ever came back to tell us what really happens, so why let the hope or fear of an afterlife encourage us in the here-and-now? Any devotion to a god should be done for the virtue and blessings in this life. The concept of being a Christian so that one could get into heaven always struck me as sucking up to the popular kids to get invited to the cool party – really shallow and likely to be disappointing.

Reincarnation didn’t make sense because there are WAY more humans now than there ever have been, so maybe bugs are really living right and advancing quickly? Most people I heard or read about when talking about their past lives were always Exotic and Awesome. We can’t all have been Cleopatra or Julius Caesar, John Dee or Queen Elizabeth.

I made peace with reincarnation when I started contemplating the Cycle of Life. We die, dissolve into the earth, feed the worms and birds and bugs, they in turn feed other creatures and the soil. We eat animals and vegetables that ate that land or those creatures and they become part of us. What we eat literally becomes part of us: our bones, our blood. While pregnant that point was driven home even further, as a baby is built from my bones, my blood, my flesh. This seems like a form of reincarnation, even if it’s the most scientific of understandings.

As for the recycling of souls….. I’m not sure. I don’t have a good grasp of how all the Parts break down after death.

However, off and on throughout my life I’ve wondered if maybe……. just maybe….. there’s something to this reincarnation thing. I don’t understand where my almost obsessive drive to dive into the spiritual realm comes from. It doesn’t make sense in the context of my upbringing. Sure, becoming a Christian in modern America feels like a religious rite of passage. But my longings go much deeper than wanting to be Right about God or being saved or wanting a happy church community (the last two are perfectly fine goals; the first one leaves a lot to be desired, but is sadly all too common). I’ve meandered through mainstream evangelical Christianity (please note the lower case e) to Eastern Orthodox Christianity to liberal feminist Christianity to dabbling in general paganism to Feri to Feri AND traditional witchcraft AND Tantric Hinduism. What the hell am I doing? And why am I doing it?

I’ve been in the middle of an ongoing and extremely helpful discussion on devotion with my spiritual teachers. One of them said something to me that got me thinking about this topic once again. Perhaps this drive for devotion and spirituality is because I’ve been working at this for many lifetimes. I’ve often thought that if reincarnation is real, then I was likely a monk or a nun, or one of each. I have a strong scholarly drive, but once I was working on my PhD I realized that it is not the life for me. I feel a little bit like ‘I’ve done this before, I don’t need to do this again.’ With Christianity I feel as if I’ve gone as far as I can go.

Some might explain the urgings of my heart as God calling to Himself. But I know many people – spiritual and non – who don’t have these urges. If there is One God then this reason smacks of predestination, which is, in my opinion, the theology of an asshole god.

Maybe the urges of my heart are louder and clearer because I’m listening and so many people ignore their own heart (or don’t have the privilege to listen), so I hear the Universe calling to Itself. Oh maybe. But my husband will tell you that I’m only just getting the hang of this listening thing.

Ultimately I don’t know, and ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Perhaps my past as a monk is the reason that being a mother is so challenging and so important for me in the here-and-now. I don’t have quite the right temperament for the job and as a woman of my time and place, I certainly didn’t need to become one. Yet I’ve chosen it willingly and consider it an intrinsic part of my Self, my life and my practice. I wonder if my past lives of monks, nuns, and priests needed to balanced by being a householder.

Which leads to into my next post: Priest vs Householder.

My thoughts and predictions on the state of the Papacy

Posted on by myownashram

I got online yesterday morning and couldn’t figure out why so many people were talking about the Pope. I don’t have too many Catholic friends on Facebook. Was he dead? Many of my friends pay attention to religion in some form. What I found was even more surprising.

At this point, you may be aware that Pope Benedict XVI is resigning. From what I understand it’s the first time in around 600 years that’s happened. The last time was during the Schism – a period of time when the Papacy was contested and a second pope set up shop in Avignon, France. It’s not like popes just resign if they aren’t feeling up to the task. This is a job that people keep until they die. So I find Benedict’s resignation many times more interesting and troubling.

Albrecht Dürer's Mater Dolorosa, CC-BY-SA-3.0

Albrecht Dürer’s Mater Dolorosa, CC-BY-SA-3.0

Why troubling? The ROman Catholic Church is struggling. And well it should! In the face of widespread injustice and abuse to children it has turned a blind eye and refused to take responsibility. Its avoidance of justice has cost the Church billions and brought added shame upon itself. I can think of nothing less Christ-like than the papacy. If the popes are to be Christ’s representatives on earth, they are doing an abysmal job. How does a lineage of white, hyper-educated Europeans heading an institution wealthier than many small countries represent an illiterate, poor, anti-estasblishment Palestinian Jewish carpenter?

The deepest pessimist in me wonders what new revelations will come to light in the next 12-18 months. I don’t think Benedict himself is guilty of impropriety. I can’t say why, but that’s my gut. I don’t think he is being ‘pushed out.’ But I’m wary. What new scandal is waiting in the wings?

There is a set of prophecies from a 12th century monk coming up in some discussions about Benedict’s resignation. Supposedly he is the last pope and after this the Church will crumble. If this is the case I will both rejoice and mourn. As I am about many things, particularly in the Christian world, I am conflicted.

I have no love for Benedict. As a graduate student studying theology I had to read quite a bit of then Cardinal Ratzinger’s writings (who he was before becoming Pope). He was and is a legalistic conservative. I deplore the direction he has taken the Roman Church. It is increasingly concerned with its image, its institution and its rules over the lives of women, children and the poor. In my opinion, the Catholic Church is failing its flock.

This makes me sad. The Catholic Church is an easy target if someone wants to Christian bash. The institution has done a lot of horrible things in the name of God and continues to run from justice and mercy in the name of (self)righteousness. But the Church is also really beautiful.

I’ve spent a lot of my adult years reading Catholic theology, from the Church fathers to contemporary thinkers. My academic speciality was the Virgin Mary. I very nearly converted to Catholicism when I was 23 out of a love for Our Lady. The Catholic Church has been the supporter and inspiration for a vast amount of art, music and literature – things I hold dear to my heart. The Church has found a way to incorporate myriad cultures and representations fo the Divine Feminine.

What I’d love to see is the Church revitalized. I’d love to see a much more liberal church. Of course, that kind of radical change takes time and necessarily moves slowly, but I’d love to see the Church even beginning those discussions. I want to see nuns supported, women allowed to be priests, clergy to be married, non-heterosexuals embraced, and extensive humility in the face of and justice for the victims of the sexual abuse perpetrated by priests and others in the Church’s pay.

But that won’t happen. This is an opportunity for that. I see people in the news or on Facebook saying ‘let this be the time!’ But it won’t be. I am pessimistic – realistically so, I think. The Roman Catholic Church has avoided all opportunities for healing and growth. Under Benedict’s leadership the Church has battened down its hatches even more – a defensive position against the modern world.

I also don’t expect the prophecies to be true. I suspect there will be a struggle over identity as the Cardinals choose the next pope. I think there will be a strong push for an African, mostly because that is where the Church is experiencing the most growth (last I read) and because that area is much, much more conservative than just about anywhere else in the Christian world. Ultimately I don’t think the Catholic Church is ready for a black leader. Perhaps a South American? A friend suggested a nice Europeanish Argentinian. That would make a lot of sense.

I’ll be watching and waiting, much like most of the rest of the world. May the ever-loving and always merciful Holy Mother look upon her people with love and strengthen their hearts in compassion and justice. Amen.

(This post was written while listening to Rossini’s Stabat Mater. It is only appropriate that we have a painting and a musical form involving the weeping of the Holy Mother, appropriately melodramatic.)

Reviewing Project Conversion

Posted on by myownashram

Andrew Bowen is an angry, self-righteous asshole. That’s probably why we get along so well, and why his book, Project Conversion: One Man, 12 Faiths, One Year, is so powerful.

Full disclosure: Andrew’s blog, Project Conversion, began in 2011 and was one of the inspirations for me starting My Own Ashram. Through mutual blog reading and various discussions via Facebook he and I have become friends and allies in our spiritual journeys, though we’ve never met in person. When he asked me to review his book, I gladly said yes.

The book begins with the old angry Andrew. He had been an outspoken evangelical Christian in his teens and early twenties. The events of 9/11 kindled a fire of hatred toward Muslims. After a heartbreaking family loss through which his wife, Heather dove deeper into her Christian faith, he realized that he needed to root out his anger. In an act of desperate self-healing, Andrew chose to spend an entire year exploring 12 different faiths, not through book knowledge, but through practice. Project Conversion was his all or nothing attempt. His blog chronicled what he was learning and doing in each of the 12 traditions. This book covers some of that, but doesn’t rehash it; instead, he goes ‘behind the scenes’ and reveals to readers the toll this project took on him and his family.

I admit: I like this book more than I liked the blog. As some one with an extensive religious studies background almost nothing Andrew discovered was new to me. There are moments in the book where I want to quibble (for example, Yiddish is not a ‘more colloquial form of Hebrew’), but those moments are few and far between. They are not the point of this book. This book is more raw, more personal, more revealing than anything I read on his blog. It is that level of vulnerability that makes for compelling reading.

I admire the risk that Andrew takes with this book. He reveals some deeply unpleasant parts of himself – and his wife. How many of us will not only look that closely at ourselves and admit our flaws, but offer those up to others? Much of the book chronicles the struggle of his wife, Heather, to support Andrew’s project. I get the impression that this was not a mutual decision, rather hard-headed Andrew deciding that this was what he needed to do and Heather just had to get on board. Her discomfort with and, at times, undermining of Andrew’s project was hard for me to take – that’s just not how my husband and I operate. And yet, I think this struggle will resonate for many readers.

There’s a naiveté to Andrew’s writing that also makes this book successful. I may be ensconced in a world that understands the difference between Sikhism and Islam, Roman Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy, and Reform and Conservative Judaism, but most people don’t and this book is for them. Andrew is a highly relatable figure; his spiritual confusion, and the struggles his family goes through on this journey will likely be familiar to many. For those who want to explore other traditions, or who have experienced being the odd one out in a mainstream Christian majority culture, the struggle over whether to blend in with others or stand out will be familiar. Seeing how Andrew manages to incorporate so many different traditions into his family life may be inspiring and encouraging to those who are also trying to build an interfaith life with those they love. Heather’s discomfort with what she considered weird or inconveniencing will be familiar; she is very concerned with what others think.

The chapter on Wicca was of natural especial interest to me. Andrew references a flame war that occurred online, one that blindsided him, and one that I followed as it occurred. At the time, I was impressed with how Andrew handled the situation; he was far kinder to his critics than they were to him. He sagely saw the ‘fire war’ as a way to understand the fractured nature of modern Neo-Paganism. Heather, equally wise here, asked how Wiccans could ‘expect better understanding and tolerance from outsiders when they can’t even get along with themselves?’ A salient point.

One thing that surprised me as I read, something I didn’t notice while following along with his blog, is that all of the faiths he explores, save Wicca and Buddhism, are monotheist and/or monist and have a male deity or leader as their focus. I would have liked to have seen more exploration outside this construct, but it’s a startling reminder to me of the male privilege mindset present in the world’s religions. I was sad that there wasn’t even a mention of a single Hindu goddess. Yet, it’s easier for many people, Christians particularly, to engage in interfaith dialog if there is a monist, God-focused entity that can be shared as a commonality.

My single biggest criticism of the book is that for all of Andrew’s self-revealing honesty, he remains mighty vague on what his path is post-project and he never really explains the nature or source of his anger. His introduction is, in my opinion, the weakest part of the entire book. I never understood the leap from anger and hatred – what exactly was he angry about? What was he angry at? A single quote from Gandhi inspired this project? Really?? I deeply disliked his assumption of responsibility for the medically necessary abortion his wife needed. There’s an obvious immaturity here and I never understood how that violently angry and domineering man decided that this project, in this way, was what would heal him.

And yet, the Andrew that emerges in this book is humble, sincere and relatable. He begins his project like a guy whose girlfriend cheated on him, becoming angry and dismissive of all females assuming them all alike. We’ve all met that guy. Andrew’s negative experience with Christianity has soured him on every other religious expression. We’ve all met that guy, too. But I was rooting for him. I wanted Heather to get on his team. I wanted Andrew to ‘keep going…. only harder.’ I was not disappointed. The Andrew at the end of the book is a different man.

Project Conversion is the book you can send your family when they don’t understand why you’re exploring Islam or Wicca or Hinduism. It’s the book you can have your Intro to Religions class read to see how a white (appearing, that’s important to me to point out) male in small town North Carolina experiences a variety of world religions. It’s the book you can read if you are in the midst of your own spiritual seeking are looking for an ally.

Project Conversion: One Man, 12 Faiths, One Year is available for purchase in paperback or ebook format.

Dedication

Posted on by myownashram

Tomorrow I am driving north to Seattle for a dedication. My dedication.

For the last year I’ve been driving 70 miles every third Saturday of the month to study with two amazing Feri/Faery initiates, NG and W. I haven’t written about it; it’s been something close to my heart and I wanted to keep it to myself. My teachers are private and don’t have much of an online presence. I only learned about their location and openness to teaching through word of mouth: one initiate introduced to me another initiate who mentioned NG and W and passed along their contact info. This seems to be my experience with mystery traditions.

A year and a half ago I wrote about being my own guru. At that time stepping into my own spiritual authority was a really important step for me. It was not something chosen to flout teachers or the wisdom and/or grace accumulated by others further down their paths than me; it was me accepting that I had to make choices and then act on those choices and learn from my own experience. I’ve had teachers in the past: some formal and several less formal. Some direct spiritual mentors, and some in an academic setting. I am grateful to all of them. But now I’m at a point where I am ready to walk more deeply with a teacher.

The ecstatic, mystery and more Left Hand Path traditions (both Feri/Faery witchcraft and Tantric Hinduism fall into these categories) all stress having a teacher. One has to learn and practice and experience on one’s own, but a guide is needed, indeed necessary, not only to avoid certain pitfalls, but also because much of the knowledge is not online, not written in books. Beyond oral knowledge there lies the Current that is passed at initiations.

What’s interesting to me is that many people don’t realize that even Christianity was once a mystery tradition. There is a part in the Orthodox liturgy where the catechumens are instructed to leave – only baptized Christians were supposed to witness, much less participate in,  the Eucharist, that mystery of bread and wine becoming flesh and blood.

Tomorrow I will stand before my teachers and …… I have no idea. I have no idea what the dedication consists of! I was told that I could wear ritual clothes (I have none, so I am wearing a black dress that I’ve only ever worn to sing in – a sort of ritual in itself) and that I could use a magical name or choose a name to use at this time (fodder for another post!). In Feri/Faery there is but one initiation, considered a marriage to the gods, where the Current is passed and lore is told. This is a formal dedication to my teachers and this path. No oath-bound material is passed, but more lore is given – a token of deepening trust. This is in a way a ‘going steady’ ritual. I let my teachers and other initiates know that I am serious and my teachers say, “Hey, I like what I see in you, let’s take this to the next level.”

I’m still interested in finding a Hindu guru. There is nothing in Feri/Faery or Tantra that I understand contradicts each other. In fact, the deeper I go, the  more compatible I find them. With due diligence on the seeker’s part, ‘when the student is ready, the teacher will find them.’ I am trusting in this right now.

And here I can’t really say more. Silence and discretion are important here, but I don’t write now because of that, I write because I don’t know anything about tomorrow! It’s a mystery……

Maxim Monday: Do not use an oath

Posted on by myownashram

A working knowledge of Greek would be helpful in this endeavour to explore the Maxims. I’m guessing an oath is making a promise, or swearing by something or some one, a deity perhaps. I would agree that is unwise. If an oath means a ‘swear’ word, well…. I fucking love swearing. I would like to get out of the habit of taking Christ’s name ‘in vain,’ as I think it is disrespectful, even though I do not personally honor him; it’s disrespectful to Jesus himself, but also to the many, many people who love and adore him, some of those people are my friends and family!
Yes, so don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t swear on your mother’s grave. Unwise. Very, very unwise.