Tag Archives: Kali

Moondays

Posted on by myownashram

I’m going to discuss Female Things, like fertility and menstruation, so if this is not your cup of tea, I’ll just say  – thanks for stopping by! – and wish you well on your way. This will likely be a little TMI for some.

When I started this project my baby girl was five months old. I was exclusively breastfeeding her and it wasn’t until last month (at 12.5 months postpartum) that my period returned. Like girls beginning to menstruate for the first time, the postpartum body takes several cycles (anywhere from one to over a year) to ‘normalize’ – find its rhythm and flow, literally. I am in the midst of my second postpartum period, and it’s a doozy.

Hot on the heels of last week’s virus I began bleeding. When I was a teen I had crippling menstrual cramps. Humiliatingly crippling. I once crawled on hands and knees through my high school hallways to get to the nurse. In college, I was once carried out of the dining hall bathroom back to my dorm because I was unable to stand, let alone walk. That kind of thing no longer happens to me. Birth has aided me in that area. But I’m bleeding more than I ever have since I was about 13.

It hits me in waves. I may be tired but I can focus and function, and then WHAM: I’m dizzy, exhausted. I can’t focus. I’m light-headed and the focus of my body is in my pelvis. Plans for even menial tasks are out the window. In some ways, it reminds me of being pregnant. I don’t get light-headed and unable to focus, but my center of gravity is lower. My body feels thicker, heavier – not necessarily in a weight and size way, but as if my blood is magnetized and connecting more viscerally with the iron in the earth.

This changes my perception of the world around me and profoundly affects my spiritual practice. During pregnancy and menstruation I feel less up in my head; Talky Self is less engaged and Fetch, my more primal soul, is at the forefront. I don’t want to think, I want to Be. This is a needed and welcome change for me – when I can alter my life and expectations to suit that shift.

My spiritual practice the last couple of days has been disjointed. I haven’t had the energy to take my practice outside, or to work on putting together my outside altar. This morning I sat on my cushion and lit a red egg candle. I feel fertile and bloody and fully enfleshed. Primal. I feel like I connect more deeply with Kali and the goddesses who in my mind sit on the Red side of things: Inanna, Ishtar, Lilith, Babalon. I am considering deepening my relationship with them and focusing my practice during my ‘moondays’ on them. I feel I relate a lot more now than otherwise.

I certainly don’t consider menstruation an impurity. I may feel sticky and messy and achy, but I know that the process is one of purification. This process allows me to have children. As a woman who chooses to have children, I am grateful for this. I am grateful that I no longer live a life where I have to ‘suck it up’ and continue on as if I’m not bleeding. Our society has no room for the mysteries of fertility, for Women’s Things.

None of this particularly lines up with place or Shinto. Perhaps as my outdoor practice becomes routine I’ll feel differently. Maybe next month will be a different experience entirely.

I’d love to hear from other women: how has menstruation affected your spiritual practice or experience? How do you accommodate it? Thoughts?

Let’s talk about Practice

Posted on by myownashram

I was asked last week just what a practice of Place looks like. What does it consist of? Good question! The honest, straight up answer? I don’t know. You’ve heard me say this before. In fact, at the start of every quarter there’s been a recognition that I won’t know until I start Doing.

Most of what Place means to me could easily be summed up with: going outside and paying attention. I plan to do a lot more of that. To the casual observer this might not be particularly spiritual or religious, but being outside and paying attention is the cornerstone of every indigenous tradition I’ve ever read about, not to mention most shamanic traditions. Prayer, meditation, gratitude – and do it outside. Listen to your surroundings. Start to see yourself as part of the whole, not lord and master over.

I am reading books about the indigenous peoples of the Pacific North West. I have lots of plans: an outside altar, visiting cultural centers on the reservations in the area, going hiking, attending the farmers market (which opens next week) and finding local foods, taking my meditation and offerings practice outside in the mornings.

Also, I am going to explore Shinto, and attend the Shinto shrine that is 2.5 hours north of here.

But as for what my practice has looked like in the last week, I admit that it’s mostly been me sitting in my office, meditating, making kala, and getting back in touch with Kali. I’ve been laid out with a virus and was too exhausted to go outside on the two nice days we had. But the exhaustion will pass and the sun will come out, and when I build the little back yard altar I’ll be sure to post pictures of it!

Goodbye Christianity

Posted on by myownashram

Today is my last day with Christianity. Sunday, March 25, is the Feast of the Annunciation, one of my favorite feast days in the Christian calendar. Even though it overlaps into my Place quarter, I plan to attend church and write about the day – my last hurrah. For now, I want to sum things up.

This quarter has felt like a disappoint to me. No juicy practice. No experiences that took me deeper into the tradition. I pulled away, farther than ever. I struggled with the desires of my heart. I didn’t write the deep, theological posts I was thinking I’d write during this quarter. And yet, I’ve gained a lot in the last few months.

I’ve seen just how ready I am to let go, to say goodbye to Christianity. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, Christianity is not my story. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have absorbed a lot from the Christian tradition; I’ve taken the best and left the rest, in my opinion. There was much goodness to take away, as both a practitioner and as a theological student. Loyal to the bitter end, I am. Coming to terms with this and seeing the realities of my heart and practice has been priceless.

I’ve also gained more readers this quarter. While Hindu search terms are my biggest draw (not a day passes that someone doesn’t search for Kali or reads my post on her, may it be a blessing to all who seek), my biographical posts have had the most hits.

I was going to list all the things I love and don’t love about Christianity, but… why list what I don’t love? Let’s end with the positive. It’s an election year in the US and what’s bad about Christianity is already on full display!

Things I love about Christianity*: Christmas, the resurrection, the concept that all humans have the spark of the divine within them, communion/the Eucharist, forgiveness, mercy, loving your neighbor as yourself, challenging the Powers That Be, the Virgin Mary, all of the art – classical and devotional – that has sprung up from it, the Incarnation, the rich theological traditions it contains, Quakers, liberation theology, icons, all of the music – from requiems to gospel to simple chants – inspired by it, contemplative prayer, the concept of grace. And many of my favorite friends and family.

A benediction for this ending, and for all who read this:

The LORD bless you and keep you. The LORD make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you. The LORD lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen.

 

*Many of these things don’t belong solely to Christianity, I realize, but they are present none-the-less.

 

New home, new altars

Posted on by myownashram

Last night’s full moon was the kick in the pants I needed to get all my altars set up! We’ve got all the furniture we’re getting for a while. We’re Officially Moved In to our new home. I decided that I would use the full moon and all the energy from the solar flares – plus I had had a FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP (first one in over a year) – and bless all the altars.

Family altar

This is our family altar. In the passage between the living and dining rooms there is this curved space, where the phone box used to be. I’ve turned it into our house hold altar. The Virgin Mary stands on the left in several forms: pretty prayer card for La Virgin de Guadalupe (patron saint of North America), glow in the dark plastic form, and icon of the Theotokos. I may not be a Christian anymore, but it is her love and guidance that kept me in that tradition for as long as I was and she opened opportunities for me. I am grateful to her and she will ever have a place in my home.

Next is a white ramekin for offerings. I hope to replace this with a nice offering plate, once I find one. We then have a statue of Ganesh, patron saint/god of our family. This was my son’s statue and he offered to the family.

On the far right is the picture of my name-sake and grandmother. I have a little ancestor section in my main altar case, but I felt that family ought to be together! So she is out with us. My son says good morning to her sometimes. But mostly wants to know why and how she died (in a car accident in 1954).

Ganesh on my desk

 

Moving into my office, we have a picture of a corner of my desk. Ganesh did not want to be put in the case. He’s very clear about where he wants to be. This photo is from this morning. I’m burning some sandalwood incense. Around him is a ceramic heart my son made in preschool, a penny for the first offering (I need a plate), and a vial of perfume. The green candle is one I burn while I write and I have the owl standing guard there too.

 

 

Mary's spot on my personal altar

Here we have Mary’s place on the top left of my altar case. Icons and pictures of icons. The triptych up on the wall is the Nativity, Mary with Child, and the Resurrection. Photos on the cabinet that you can’t see are of a statue of Mary at Shrine of St Therese in Juneau Alaska. I have a beautiful wooden rosary, given to me by a friend in Ireland years ago. A bottle of perfume for the Virgin (smells like lilies!), and some rocks that I’ve mentioned before. The flower is fake – let us not speak of it.

 

Mary at the Shrine of St Therese

Finally, we have the body of my main altar case. This is what I see when I sit down. I burn candles in front of it, so I don’t burn the house down. The whole thing is very unfinished. I realize I got rid of so many items when we moved, that I have to start over. Oh darn, I have to hunt for new altar items.

Main altar case

The top shelf has peacock feathers. The middle shelf has some ancestor and Might Dead items. The middle has a picture of Kali, offerings of a fresh clementine and a shot of port. The right side has pictures of the Queen of the Night (ancient Iraqi relief) and Saraswati. Below are books, a wand I never use (I bought it in Scotland, it’s beautiful), my cup and a singing bowl.

Full Moon Kali Puja

Posted on by myownashram

What do Kali, elephants, and robots have in common? Me!

I can’t help but love the richness of my life.

Saturday started with a ‘robot party’ for my son. It was his going away party. My husband made a cardboard box robot chassis for each of the kids, but only my son was interested. Instead of designing robots, the party was a huge play fest – noisy, messy and sugar fueled. Just the way a three-year old likes it.

Straight after the party I met up with some friends and together we went to Skanda Vale, a nearby Hindu temple and pilgrimage site. By nearby, I mean a 35 minute drive involving dark, windy, unpaved roads for the last half of the journey. It is a beautiful, wild, peaceful site, and I encourage you to click on the site and look at the pictures. I’ll wait.

What the land looks like around Skanda Vale

We arrived in the dark and the cold. The Maha Shakti temple, which houses the large Kali Ma murti, is at the top of a hill. A short walk through the forest up a windy dirt path lit by lamps leads to the site, and provides a quieting mental preparation for the ritual to come. I walked up in silence, taking in the trees and the Spirit of the place. We were walking east, into the rising full moon.

We arrived early and waited in the terrace for the temple to open. There were some families there waiting as well. The children were leading some chants – all in Sanskrit! – and the singing was lovely. I missed my kidlets.

I’ve never been to a Hindu temple or service before. So the entire experience was new and out of my comfort zone. Even though I had just enough book knowledge to know the gist of what was occurring, I really couldn’t follow along very well. I listened for words I knew and if the chants went on long enough I could find my way in, usually just before they moved on to a new chant. I also noticed that while the majority of the priests, nuns and monks are white, the majority of devotees were of South Asian descent. I got the impression that most of them were regular attendees and so must come from the larger south Wales area. It is not that common for me to be in the racial minority. I think being outside of my regular everyday conditions is a good thing. I kept quiet and followed what the others were doing.
The ritual itself was stunning. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. The temple is beautiful, from what I could see. I was not able to go in as I hadn’t kept vegetarian for the required three-day minimum (I had planned to be, but then thought the trip was off and so ate meat). The terrace has a screen that focuses on the Kali murti so I could see her up close. The chanting was enhanced with a speaker for those of us outside. I got lost in the chanting, feeling the buzz of the drums, bells and kirtan (call and response chanting).

I felt overwhelmed with the intimacy and tenderness with which the priests undressed and washed Kali. First they removed all the little murtis from around her, then the flowers, clothes, and jewelry. They washed off all the red dots and the coloring from her outstretched tongue. They poured hot water over her and then a series of various liquids and substances – rose-water, yellow water (turmeric or saffron?), milk, honey, yoghurt. At one point she was bathed in a thick bright red substance – I’m guessing it symbolized blood, as it looked quite like it. Kali bathed in dripping red was a fierce reminder of my fragile humanity. Later, after many rinses, she was coated in a thick white paint-like substance. That too was dramatic in its beauty – a visual reminder of our purity. Over and over again the priests poured water and bathed her. First in this, then in that. Occasionally the run off was collected for later use.

Once all the different baths were done the priests tenderly dried her off and began rubbing oil all over her. It was intimate and the oiliness had a touch of the sexual about it, though none of this was obscene or vulgar in any way. She was spritzed with perfume, flames waved in front of her. The red dots were repainted and her tongue carefully repainted, first with a bright yellow powder, then with a bright blood-red powder. A coconut was set on fire and waved before her. She was redressed and adorned with myriad beautiful flowers.

I was able to help pass the offerings through to the temple. Trays and trays of food and flowers. One of my friends who has been to Skanda Vale several times told me that the temple provides literally tons of food to various charities every year. I had brought four oranges, one for each member of my family, as my offering. If I had known what could be offered I might have brought more! After all the offerings were placed at Kali’s feet the aarthi (sacred flame) was passed around, then powders for blessed markings on the forehead, and lastly the juices collected from Kali were spooned into the hands of devotees. Because I was one of the few people present unable to enter the temple a priest came out to me and I was able to wash myself in the flame and taste the weirdly delicious and blessed concoctions.

Maha Kali at Skanda Vale

On our way back down hill we passed by the temple elephant’s house. Skanda Vale has an elephant, named Valli, given by the Sri Lankan government. It’s been there for over 30 years! Our timing was perfect: the elephant’s caretaker opened the door and we were able to see it. And not only see it: we were given a blessing! Holding a carrot behind our back we walked up to Valli and using her trunk, she blessed us. My head was ‘palmed’ by the trunk snout and then I gave the carrot to her, stroking her trunk as she whisked it away. I adore elephants and this was a tremendous treat.

Valli, Skanda Vale's resident elephant

Afterward there was a vegetarian meal to share – various tasty curries, rice and humus. After two and half hours of ritual in a cold space I wasn’t sure if I would ever be warm again and the spice of the curries hit the spot.

What struck me about the service is how much like church it felt. That’s really what it was! This particular, in-depth service only occurs on the full moon, the daily Kali pujas are truncated versions of this one, I think. But it had many elements of what I consider ‘church’: sacred space, priests performing the ritual while the laity participates only peripherally (or at all), blessings given to the laity from the deity via the mediation of a priest, and a sense of community. I didn’t feel any great connection with Kali, but the entire experience was suffused with joy.

I am so glad I had the opportunity to experience this before I leaving. If you are ever in Wales, I recommend a day long visit to Skanda Vale.

This evening, the full moon ritual on a dark night for the Dark Mother contrasted with my Sunday: a candle lit carol service for the Lord of Light in which I sang, which I’ll talk about tomorrow. Stay tuned!